By Bianca Walker

23/08/2013
18:42

You should read this because I’m a guest and you should always treat guests politely! 

Pay attention to my post because I’m *famous — among the kinder portion of my imaginary friends — so you might want to quote me.

Love my words because I am a writer, self-proclaimed but I’ve written over 1 million words in my lifetime, many of them if, and, or, of, the and but. Especially buts because I always add curve-butts (the female version of curve-balls) to my stories. 

You must laugh at my jokes because laughter is the best medicine and it is free and I have prescribed such medicine to you and you ought to follow my orders as I studied pre-med for a year and a half in undergrad. 

Hey, can I ask you an intensely philosophical question which you might need a few moments to answer? 

Why are you reading this blog written by someone who hasn’t won a nobel prize or a world cup trophy? 

Write the answer here: ________

WAIT! Don’t scratch the screen with the tip of your pen. Maybe write the answer in the air while singing A Spoon Full of Sugar from Mary Poppins with a sparkler in your hand. I LOVE SPARKLERS — highlight of my childhood. Sorry but I may have forgotten the name of those things I am so fond of that light up when you put a match at the end and you can draw the numbers in the sky of the new year at 12am on Dec 31st! My granny earned mad points by buying us those every year. My gran’s cool huh? 

When I said ‘my gran’s cool’ I immediately thought of her in a Hawaiian outfit doing the hoola wearing a bess pair of shades. 

Hey, can I ask you an intensely philosophical question? It might take you a few days to answer. 

Why is this blog you are reading called ‘The Sunglass Effect’? 

Write your answer here:______ 

Ahhhhh check that scratch you just made on the screen! Your boss is going to hate you. And if you are anything like the average person, like me, you already find it immensely difficult to keep your job. 

I mean how can you rephrase ‘checked Facebook 100 times, texted five people and walked to the fridge five times to replenish my coffee at work’ in a way that seems like it benefits the company that you did these things. Because when your boss asks for a list of things you did that week it would look all too bare if you put down the things you did that they actually expected of you. 

Don’t you find it hella scary that after years of doing homework which was only seen by you and your teacher and maybe your mother when she insisted on checking on your penmanship — which is such a valiant word isn’t it, similar to friendship, which subliminally calls us to love and care for the words that we write or maybe it’s sole purpose is to give someone an easy turn in Pictionary (three words: pen + man + ship). Wait I didn’t actually complete the sentence. Right, well, don’t you find it scary that after years of blah blah blah you have to do actual work to make things happen, that make sense, to keep a company afloat. WHAT????!!! 

And then they pay you actual money that you mostly spend on rent and food. YEAH, food! Unless you have superpowers to make all those yummy sweets, tarts, fried stuff and chocolates disappear so you won’t crave them and pick up a bag and eat the whole thing. If that’s you, how do you do it? How do you resist finishing off the bar of Dairy Milk with RAISINS and NUTS? 

When I said the word nuts in caps I immediately imagined an angry nutsman at a Soca Warriors match who got fed-up of waxing lyrical about his wholesale honey roasted and decided to force a few down the throat of an onlooker. NUTS, EAT MY NUTS! GOSH MAN, HOW MANY TIMES I HAVE TO ASK IF YOU WANT SOME NUTS?

Hey, can I ask you an intensely philosophical question? It might take you a few years to answer this one. 

When is the last time the Soca Warriors won a competitive match against an actual A-side US team? 

Write your answer here: ________

WAYS. Can’t believe you just used a marker. And now you have the words NEVER written in permanent black across your work computer. Wish you all the best in reading emails and not becoming pessimistic as the subliminal message or ‘never’ makes its way into your psyche. 

Isn’t it funny how psyche sounds like sike-y which basically means ‘like a bad teif head’? Yeah, that’s how I feel everyday because being a human is confusing! 

And that’s why I where sunglasses in the sun, because I don’t want to get EXTRA wrinkles between my eyes as I already have deep confusion lines making railways in my forehead. 

Oh, here’s a picture of my new sunglasses that I wear at every opportunity which is for 10 minutes on my walk to the train (No not the high speed rail to Arima that isn’t going to happen, I live in London) and 5 minutes on my walk to work, only during the month of August, and maybe if jI get lucky during the month of June. 

Yeah the warmth and sun is rare in London, it is true what you have heard, and Miss Sunglass Effect herself could tell you. But I have come to the conclusion that London would be horrible if it was hot and sunny all the time. I wouldn’t live here. There is no Maracas or Aunty Linda’s pool next door to cool down in. 

Hey, can I ask you an intensely philosophical question? This might take you ten episodes of friends to answer. 

What is the point of this blog? 

Write your answer here:_____ 

FORGET IT. You’ve gone and ruined your computer which will have to come out of your next pay check. I’ll do you a favour and answer this last question for you. 

IT’S OK TO BE REALLY FREAKING WEIRD AND RANDOM! 

PS Sorry I forgot to talk about career choice! Next guest post. 

Love, 
Bianca Alice Walker

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